Physical Emotional

    I had another meltdown last night. They come and go. Like acid flashbacks or war memories. A dark cloak of sadness, regret, loneliness, and panic surrounds me and chokes me. I cry. I sob. I fall asleep having found no way out. No solace. I wish these episodes don't happen, but after all I've been through, and my already fragile mental health, I can't escape. The only thing I can do is accept that this it's a going to happen and ride it out. But that's so much easier to say when it's not happening.
     Today I feel better, but I'm still overwhelmed by the move. I think once I start really getting things done, I'll feel better. The catch is to actually get motivated to start! I think I'm getting there. Hanging out with friends has really been helping me get out of my head. It's really mostly on my own when I start to panic. I'm so very fortunate to have the people on my life that I do. However, I can't rely on them (you) alone to get me through this tumultuous time in my life. I have to recover internally as well. Oh, so, hard!
     I don't know exactly where to go or what to do to heal my mind, so I'm staring with my body. I'm getting a massage today, then going to yoga with a friend. I think physical activity and healing will help to jump start emotional healing. At least I hope so. I'm open to ideas I'd you have them. That's all for today. Thanks for reading!

-Eboni

21 Days

     Well, I did it! I had to decid whether I was going to stay in California or go home to Portland, Oregon. I've decided to go home! It was a really hard decision, but in the end I think it's going to be the best thing for me. So in 21 days I'll be on the road back to Oregon! When you're unemployed it's really hard to tell what date is and it's really hard to get yourself on a schedule. I really know what time it is our if I have plans or if I'm supposed to be somewhere. Like I feel like I should be somewhere right now but instead I'm in bed with my cat. Don't get me wrong with very silly problem to have and it's not really even a problem it's just it would be nice to know have a little bit more direction. So, I decided to schedule my days around seeing movies, reading, doing crafts, cleaning, packing, blogging, and other activities. Also I'm planning to really take advantage of California before I go. I'm planning little trips into Berkely, San Francisco, down to Santa Barbara, and into LA. I maybe even get to Disneyland! There so many things to see and do in California! I know I won't be able to do all of them before I go, but there are some highlights but I've got to hit. Suggestions are welcome!
     Sorry this is going to be a very sad and short entry, as I don't have very much going on. But as soon as I've developed my California Adventure I will let you know!

Changes. Choices. Chances.

     Since being fired, I've had a lot of time to think. Maybe too much. I've spent time dwelling on the past, replaying incidents and situations over and again in my head. I've dreamed and fretted about the future. I've both grabbed on to and dismissed the present. A lot of show doorshave been slammed in my face. My heart had been broken. My pride, confidence, and will to live have been absolutely demolished. The past few months, I've definitely between tested; probably more than I ever have been before. Through it all I've realized quite a few things, but the most important is, that I'm still standing!
    There will always be changes in life. Some huge, and some we barely notice. Even of we're broken, all we can do is gather the pieces and start again. Though this gets harder and harder each time, and I'm fucking exhausted, I'm in the process of doing it again.  So many changes in such a short period of time have got my head (and my heart) spinning, but thanks to the love of so many amazing people I know I'm going to be ok!
     As you know, I'm now in the process of figuring out what the hell I'm going to do now. I had a great interview with an amazing company in California, but also got a great offer back in Portland. The two choices presented me with different pros and cons, and I've been going crazy trying on figure out what to do. I kept asking all of you what I should do, which road I should navigate, but I knew all along it was a decision I would have to make for myself. I'd just gotten knocked down by circumstance, bosses, boyfriends, and dumb luck that I lost all my confidence in myself. I didn't believe that I could make the right choice because I kept blaming myself for everything that was going wrong. But the thing is, everything isn't my fault. In a good person who got her ass kicked by a string of bad situations. However, I refuse to let them destroy me. Don't call it a comeback....!
    So, where do I go from here? What chances do I take? I'm taking the choice I think is going to make me the happiest: I'm going home. Though it will be so difficult to leave my friends and family who are here, and this great California weather, I feel like it's time for me to be back in Portland. I'm still nervous and not 100%, but I know I'll get there....

-Eboni

Dreams

    Yesterday I had an interview with an amazing company. I'm still waiting to hear back about the outcome. If it get it, I have a hard choice to make. You see, it would be a great job and I would stay in California with my friends and family here, but I've also been offered a job in radio back home in Portland! The job here world pay more and would be more "stable," but the radio job it's a dream job; something I've always wanted to do. Plus, I'd get to move home, so that's cool also.
    I'm really on the fence because no matter what the decision, I'm missing out on something. I love my friends and the weather down here in Campbell can't be beat, but I miss my people in Portland. But working for Google would be pretty awesome. However, at Google I'd be just another body, in radio I'd get top entertain people, which is something I've always wanted to do, and have been told I'm good at.
   Do I go for the safe job or the dream job? Do I leave the best weather for the rain? Do I stay with new friends or go home top the old? Is security and money more important than following your dreams? All important questions. I kind of hope I don't get the Google job, so I don't have to decide! Haha! I guess we'll wait and see. I'll keep you posted.....

Eboni

Chance

    Yesterday was great. I woke up and had a phone interview with a major company. I got my financial check from my previous employer and took it to the bank. I got news that my cousin was having her baby. I went shopping for a new outfit and fashion magazines because I got a call back from the recruiter that I got an in-person interview on Monday!
    It was the best day I've had in a while. It was topped off by a fun game night at my friends Jennifer and Chris's house. I haven't been around many people since I got fired. Mostly by choice. I was feeling feel like I wasn't going to be very good company. Yesterday was the first time I felt really good about being with people (other than family). Today, unfortunately, I have regressed.
     I'm so sad. I'm brokenhearted. I've lost so much recently. I don't know how to recover. I don't know where to go. Last night I was so sure I was going to stay here in California, but today I just want to curl up at home in Portland in my mommy's arms. I know I can't really ask anyone else for help. I mean advice and input are good, but in the end, the decision is mine alone. I feel alone. I am alone.
    I'm sure whatever I decide I'll be ok, I just hate feeling this way. I haven't recovered from all the loss. I don't feel strong enough to make a major life decision. I'm terrified I'm going to make the wrong one; like I'm going to miss out on something amazing because I made three wrong choice. Shit! Maybe I should just flip a coin to decide my fate. Just flip it, and leave everything to chance....

Pro/Con

     I'm freaking out about whether I should stay in California or move back to Portland. I freaked out about it all day. I freak out about it in my sleep. It's all I can think of. I posted a question on Facebook asking my friends what to do. I'm thankful for the facts that so many people responded and that so many people actually care! When we go through a major loss (losses) it is very hard to keep in mind all that we still have. I'm very fortunate to have so many wonderful, diverse, smart, and loving humans in my life.
    That being said, that makes it difficult to ask for help. With so many different points of view, I'm having a hard time deciding who is "right." Though individually motivated, everyone has my best interests in mind, but in the end, I have to decide what's best for me on my own. I guess the main reason I asked for help was to make sure I thought of all the options and possibilities. I didn't want to make a choice without considering every opportunity.
     I haven't decided for sure yet, but I'm getting closer. I still have a day to tell me apartments what I'm going to do, shop tomorrow when I wake up, I'm going to go with my gut. My drive down the coast (Half Moon Bay to Santa Cruz) was very calming and brought me some peace I haven't felt in months. I know I'm going to be ok. I just have to get my confidence back and just decide. I need to not be afraid to make a mistake. I need to be bold. I need to get beck to being who I was before all this mess: an adventurous, outgoing, intelligent, free spirit who dives in head first and comes out on top. I can't let fear and pain dictate my choices. I won't let them. No matter what I decide, I'll be ok. I am not defeated!

Eboni

Yo-yo!

     Friday was such a great day, but yesterday I fell back into a hole. I tried all the things that usually make me happy: yummy food, got dressed up, saw a great film. Nothing is working. Drinking at this point is probably a bad idea. I friend's birthday party is tonight, but I feel to down to go. Me, not wanting to go to a party! It's ridiculous! I don't know how to shake this gloom.
     That night I had decided to stay in California. I think it may have been the buzz from getting an interview. But I don't know for some reason yesterday morning and all day I just I couldn't seem to be happy with anything. Nothing new has happened; nothing's changed, but I think just maybe sometimes I am unable to shake the fact that I have this huge life decision to make and I really honestly don't know what to do! I'm so shaken by all that's happened. My confidence is shot. I'm totally terrified.
     I feel like I've just lost a major battle and I have to decide whether to fight another day, or just concede. I have options, but I just feel like I can't decided anything and that no matter what I'm going to lose out on something. Of course, with any decision we miss out on something or another, I'm just afraid that I will miss out on something amazing or end up regretting my choice. A friend of mine asked me what I want to so with the rest of my life. I honestly don't know. I'm torn between staying in California and making decent money, enjoying the sun, and having a job I'll like, maybe even love. Or going back to Oregon making less money, enjoying my family and friends back home, and having a job that's been a dream of mine for years. It's a toss up at this point. I think what I'll do is try to relax, kill this interview tomorrow, and see what happens from there. I wish I were less indecisive. I think.... Eboni

The Wells Fargo Wagon

     I'm very, very, very, very happy to say that today started out much better than yesterday! I woke up I spent a couple hours by the pool. Another 90 degree day here and not a cloud in the sky. It was really hard having to relax by the pool all day, but you know I do my part. When it got to hot, I went to run some errands I needed that cash my final paycheck, but I don't have a bank account here in California.
    So, I googled online where to go get cash checks cashed, and I found of you can go to Walmart to do it. I don't usually go to Walmart and today when I went there, I remembered exactly why. The lines in the store were entirely to long and the store is too big for is own good. You need an army to wrangle up the heards of people. Oh and the clientele is well... Walmart clientele; I think that speaks for itself. Not only could they actually not cash my check because the machine wasn't able to read my check, but I also witnessed some dude get chased down for shoplifting. In the line behind me there was a mother literally and I mean literally cussing out for 8 year old daughter! She was dropping F bombs and swearing at a little girl like she was some evil ex boyfriend or something! I've never seen anything like that before. Who swears like that to a child!? I almost said something, but she probably world have assaulted me!
    After my Walmart adventure, I took a shot and went to Wells Fargo to cash the check  since they are the bank who issued it. They were super nice and awesome and I ended up opening up a checking account which is ironic because I've lived here for a year almost without opening an account. Now that I may go home to Portland it's funny that I just opened up a checking account California.
     In any case, today was wonderful and boring.  I'm going to take a shower and go to bed early like an old lady. Tomorrow got some more errands to run and then I'm thinking about going on vacation! Anybody got any ideas where?

Eboni

Bad Luck Chuck

  Sleeping is awesome. Not having to set an alarm is awesome. A knock on the door when you're in la-la dream lands sucks. It was three FedEx guy, but I was in such a daze I didn't get to the door in time. It was actually really good that he came because shortly after I got a call from HR department. Nothing bad, just tying up lose ends. Well, that's what I thought. However, I got very emotional during the call and ended up crying. I've never been fired before and recent circumstances made it really hard for me to remain unemotional. But the lady was really nice and I got to say some things that I needed to say in order to get closure. After the call, I sat there for about 20 minutes until I pried myself off the floor. I decided I was not going to stay inside today but go out and do something.
     I decided to go to the beach and headed out. I stopped at Safeway to grab some provisions and that's when the trouble started. They didn't have the cigarettes I wanted (yes I'm sorry I started smoking again, we'll talk about that later) when I asked for a lighter or matches they didn't have those either! However a very kind bag boy actually gave me his lighter! He said to just take it; he had another one in his car! My day was beginning to brighten, and I gleefully began my trip to the beach.     
     When I go to the beach I was very surprised that I could actually find a parking spot! I got very lucky that a guy was leaving just as I got there, but that's where my luck ended. I spent a lovely day on the beach playing in the waves, drinking, reading, snacking, and writing. I went through my stuff to try to find my phone so I could take some pictures since it was such an amazing day! I couldn't find it. I figured I must have left it in the car.  When I got back to the car, I looked everywhere and it dawned on me that I heard something plastic dropping earlier when I was getting out of the car to go to the beach.  I didn't pay it much attention because when I look down to see what  dropped I didn't see anything, however it ends up that it was my phone and now my phone was missing!
   The funny thing about losing your phone is the panic attacks that come over you when you realize that not only can you not call anyone for help, but all of your contacts, call history, apps, pictures and texts are gone.  Pieces of your life, to some extent, are gone. A little bit dramatic, I know, but if you know me at all you know how attached I am to my phone! In any case, I was not happy. The good news is that in light of recent events losing the phone wasn't as awful as it would have felt had I not had to deal with other  bigger issues. I certainly had that panic feeling, but with all the crappy crap that has happened to me lately this is the least of my worries. Well, maybe not the least, but it's definitely down the list.
     I'm guessing you've probably figured out that, I got a new phone. It was perfect timing because it was time for me to upgrade anyway.  So I just got a new fancy phone and I love it! Also, I really did have a wonderful time at the beach today. The weather was absolutely perfect I got some sun and some rest and I feel much much better! My plans for the rest of the week are to take advantage of this crazy heat wave and spend as much time outdoors as possible! Also, to keep drinking.... I'll let you know how my plans turn out. In the meantime, please keep your fingers crossed, rub a rabbit's foot, find a four leaf clover or whatever else we do for good luck for me. I need all the good luck I can get right now! :)

Eboni

PS I would have posted a pic of the beach but.... Instead, I will post a picture of the wonderful pumpkin ale I drank while at the beach. Pumpkin ale on the beach in October; I don't know what's better than that!