I'm freaking out about whether I should stay in California or move back to Portland. I freaked out about it all day. I freak out about it in my sleep. It's all I can think of. I posted a question on Facebook asking my friends what to do. I'm thankful for the facts that so many people responded and that so many people actually care! When we go through a major loss (losses) it is very hard to keep in mind all that we still have. I'm very fortunate to have so many wonderful, diverse, smart, and loving humans in my life.
That being said, that makes it difficult to ask for help. With so many different points of view, I'm having a hard time deciding who is "right." Though individually motivated, everyone has my best interests in mind, but in the end, I have to decide what's best for me on my own. I guess the main reason I asked for help was to make sure I thought of all the options and possibilities. I didn't want to make a choice without considering every opportunity.
I haven't decided for sure yet, but I'm getting closer. I still have a day to tell me apartments what I'm going to do, shop tomorrow when I wake up, I'm going to go with my gut. My drive down the coast (Half Moon Bay to Santa Cruz) was very calming and brought me some peace I haven't felt in months. I know I'm going to be ok. I just have to get my confidence back and just decide. I need to not be afraid to make a mistake. I need to be bold. I need to get beck to being who I was before all this mess: an adventurous, outgoing, intelligent, free spirit who dives in head first and comes out on top. I can't let fear and pain dictate my choices. I won't let them. No matter what I decide, I'll be ok. I am not defeated!
Eboni
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